Edited Version..
=Describing an interpersonal conflict=
This is a situation that had just happen on my cousin recently. Luckily, the conflict was resolved in the real world.
A and B had been married for a few months now, however, they did not organise a wedding dinner due to their financial status. As such they were planning to save enough to be able to hold the dinner the following June.
However, this was not going as smoothly as they planned. The main reason was because B tends to splurge on his family members, and informing A only after doing so. Thus, A was furious and upset each time that happened. She blamed B for being a spendthrift and not trying to save up for the dinner. She started crying and ranting about B not caring for her feelings and wanted to annul their marriage. From A’s point of view, she felt that B was already doing his duty by giving money to his parents and siblings, and that additional gifts were unnecessary especially when money was tight for them. She felt that B’s first priority was his family, while her and their marriage was secondary.
B had explained to her the reason for his gifting was that Chinese New Year was approaching and as the eldest in the family, he should buy gifts for his family, instead of just money. Knowing that A would be upset if she knew about his intention, B decided to inform her after acting upon his plan. He also tried to minimize the amount spend on the gifts.
B did try to explain these reasons to A, but A refused to accept and had locked B out of their room.
Does blaming B will solve everything? What should B have actually done to prevent this situation? How should they face this problem?
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Original Version..
=Describing an interpersonal conflict=
This is a situation that had just happen on my cousin recently. Luckily, everything ends well in the real world.
A and B had been married for a few months now, however, they did not organise a wedding dinner due to their financial status. As such they were planning to save enough to be able to hold the dinner coming June.
However, this was not going as smoothly as they planned. Main reason was because B tends to splurge on his family members, and informing A only after doing so. Thus, A was furious and upset each time that happened. She blamed B for being a spendthrift and not trying to save up for the dinner. She started crying and ranting about B not caring for her feelings and wanted to annul their marriage. From A’s point of view, she felt that B was already doing his duty by giving money to his parents and siblings, and that additional gifts were unnecessary especially when money was tight for them. She felt that B’s first priority was his family, while her and their marriage was secondary.
B had explained to her the reason for his gifting was that Chinese New Year was approaching and as the eldest in the family, he should buy gifts for his family, instead of just money. Knowing that A would be upset if she knew about his intention, hence he decided to inform her after acting upon his plan. He also tried to minimize the amount spend on the gifts.
B did try to explain these reasons to A, but A refused to accept and had locked B out of their room.
Does blaming B will solve everything? What should B have actually done to prevent this situation? How should they face this problem?
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Dear Shi Ting,
ReplyDeleteIt is often said that financial issues are the main cause for a divorce. And I think it is great that everything went well. I think the fault lies with both of them.
The husband should never had lied to his wife. Openess and trust should never be compromised in order to please the other party. The result would just be unhappiness, no matter how good the intentions were. I can understand why the husband wanted to buy gifts for his family, but he could have showed his wife that he was actually saving for their dinner but starting a piggy bank for them.
Maybe what the wife really needed to see is some action from her husband's part. I believe that she would not have made an issue from her husband being such a dutiful son, but the problem lied in the fact that he could not be truthful and did not take enough effort to impress his wife.
Perhaps his personality is to give more to others than for himself. And perhaps he could have associated his wife to himself. And thus he would have a tendency to help his family compared to his wife.
Also maybe the wife's confrontation could have left the husband defensive about providing for his family. All this could have been prevented by ensuring that both parties are sure about what they expect from each other clearly, and being truthful and approaching the situation in such a way that a win-win situation is created.
i think that A is having feelings of insecurity of just how B sees the importance of their wedding and is worried about their financial abilities. Maybe B has to be aware that A is feeling stressed and worried over budget strings issue and try talk to her again, to reach a compromise when she is not feeling so emotional. at the same time, there has to be constant reassurance to her to make her feel secured.
ReplyDeleteone thing to question.Could we say that buy buying gifts for parents is considered splurging? its a pretty sensitive issue because i think it does not seem right to forbid B from wanting to buy things for his parents.
one thing i disagree with what B did was to buy them first and only made known to her later. i think this just aggrevates the insecurity of A because A would feel that B is just not getting her point and B is not sincere in the marriage plans.
If A still could not understand, then perhaps the timing that B did all these could be pushed back to a more suitable time when purse strings are not that tight and things are more or less settled down.
Oh dear such a typically tough question with regards to marriage! That is why I am so conservative about the marriage concept!
ReplyDeleteIn my opinion, I strongly agree with B's behavior. Although he is a husband, he is also a son of a family. There is no priority between being a good husband and being a good son. But in different circumstances, one side should compromise. And in this case, I think A is being a little bit unreasonable. What B should do is to try to explain. But if it does not work, I think B should give some time to A to re-think about the whole thing. I am sure A will come around. If not, maybe B did not choose a right person for him.
Hi Shi Ting,
ReplyDeleteI think both A and B are to blame. In my opinion, A seems to be making a mountatin out of a molehill, by threatening to annul their marriage over this issue. She seems to act impulsively, without looking at matters from B's perspective.
As for B, he should not have spent all that money without first consulting A. By doing so, he is not taking A's opinion into consideration and thus showing a lack of respect for his spouse.
While B's sense of responsibility and filial piety is commendable, it would be wise to spend within his means. Even if he feels the need to buy gifts for his relatives, I think that there is no need to splurge. After all, it is the thought that counts, and his relatives would surely understand his financial difficulties.
For A to forgive B, B should be honest with her and keep his promise to hold the wedding dinner. As mentioned in class, there can be no effective communication without trust. Thus, B has to regain A's trust in order for them to resolve the matter.
Gwen
Hi Shi Ting,
ReplyDeleteI agree with gwen that both A and B have their own mistakes.
For A, I think that she is over-reacted. In fact, if I were her I would be happy because B would be a good husband as he would care for his family. Besides that, it is because of love that B did not tell her about buying the present
fearing that she will angry.
For B, I think that he should tell A before buying the presents as trust is the most important values in a marriage.
Thus I think that, A should not act like this as this may spoil the relationship between A and B. I think that A should support B for his action as it is a right thing to be fillial.
For B I think that he should tell A before he buy the presents. Perhaps B could also prepare some presents for A's family members as this show that B is a caring person.
Xian Rui
Thanks for sharing this conflict with us, Shiting. Marraige problems are, as one of your readers mentions, often based on financial disputes. For that reason, you've keyed in on an important area for discussion.
ReplyDeleteYou do a fairly good job describing the conflict and the characters, although there may be some difficulty in responding to your questions since the first is asked from the point of view of A while the second one from B's vantage point. In fact, the assignment requests you to formulate "a question," and that is so that the readers don't need to complete a more substantial task.
Ther are also a few language problems you need to review, for example:
1) You write that "everything ends well in the real world." Is that generally true? When you use present tense, you seem to be suggesting that.
Or are you simply refering to this case?
2) coming June >>> the next June / the following June
3) Main reason >>> The main reason
4) Knowing that A would be upset if she knew about his intention, hence he decided >>> Knowing that A would be upset if she knew about his intention, B decided
Thanks again for sharing this with us!
Thanks for the comments, and had made the changes to the language problems=)
ReplyDelete